The agony of a broken heart has tortured many people who haven’t been able to move on after a break up. When I am coaching someone after a bad breakup, I usually hear, “How could this happen? How could he/she do this to me?” And the person wants to ruminate and blame the ex for what went wrong in the relationship.
A big reason why people can’t move on is because they get stuck in this stage. They tell the break up story over and over again to anyone who will listen. Then they will tell the story of how well they treated the ex, and that they didn’t deserve what happened.
One of my favorite ways to help people overcome their heartache, is to make them stop lamenting and instead focus on where they are to blame for the demise of the relationship. This stops people mid-sentence, “But he is the one who cheated on me.” “But she is the one who spent all my money and racked up credit card debt.” “I didn’t do anything wrong.” These are the usual responses.
But I force them to look deeper. I ask questions, such as: When was the first time you saw this flaw in the person? When did you realize he was a flirt or that she drank too much? When did you realize that she is obsessed with designer clothes or that he disappears on weekends while partying with his buddies? This is your participation in a bad relationship: you knew the person had bad character flaws, but you chose to ignore them.
The signs are always there, but many of us are naïve; we assume that these bad flaws will magically go away. We hope that if we love enough and if we take care of everything that love will prevail and the relationship will live happily ever after.
Except it doesn’t. Bad habits don’t go away. They become bigger problems. They become heartache. If you are the one always picking up the pieces, you eventually become exhausted, angry and resentful.
If you have experienced this, I want you to take a few minutes to reflect on how you participated in someone else’s bad behavior. I don’t want you to beat yourself up ~ always show self-compassion as you learn and grow into a better person. You meant well. You were hoping for the best. I just want you to look back on the relationship and remember all the times you noticed something was wrong, but you chose to ignore them.
Once you realize that you participated in the demise of the relationship, you can make better decisions moving forward. You can patiently wait to meet the right person — someone who is responsible, caring, committed, intelligent, devoted, and kind.
You are still going to attract needy, manipulative, abusive people because they are everywhere. But now, you aren’t going to ignore bad behavior. If you are on a date with this type of person, you will notice the flaws and move on quickly. You are not going to confront the person or discuss his/her personality issues. You are just going to gracefully thank the person for the evening, and then disappear. You are not going to date these people!
Don’t waste your time with anyone who doesn’t have your best interest at heart. Take care of yourself. Make your needs a priority. Even if you are sitting across from the best looking person in the world, walk away and don’t allow yourself to get attached. Because even though it may feel like fun and adrenal is rushing through your body, we all know how it is going to end. The higher the relationship flies in the beginning, the harder it crashes and you are left with a shattered heart that needs to be put back together again.
By reflecting and owning your part in the relationship, you can let go of feeling like a victim. You ease up on yourself. You realize that you have choices, and moving forward, you won’t make any excuses for someone’s bad behavior. You will be patient until the right, loving, caring, committed, responsible person comes along.
